


Dirty

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Episode Related, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-05
Updated: 2004-05-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin thinks about what he did and how it is going to affect his relationship with Brian. Set at the end of episode 219.





	Dirty

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

It takes me a while to get up off the floor, because too many things are happening at the same time. There I was, enjoying what was probably the hottest damn kiss in the history of the world, and then BAM. It all ends with a thud. It left me a little dazed and confused. Not that I don't deserve it. Brian says that I need to shower because I stink. He has no idea how dirty I feel. Slowly I stand up and make my way to the bathroom, trying to ignore the fact that I still have a major hard-on. How can you go from feeling so amazing to so shitty that quickly? I really feel like crying, but I can't let myself, not in front of Brian. I can't play the injured lover, because I'm the one who fucked up this time. I'm the one who's coming close to ruining everything. For now I have to pretend that everything's all right, that we're alright. I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt that Brian doesn't want to touch me right now. I owe him that much. Maybe he hates me for this, maybe he doesn't. It doesn't matter, because at least I hate myself for this. I'm in way over my head. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm screwed. I'm talking about being totally fucked up the ass without lube, and for once that's a bad thing. Shit, shit, SHIT!

It's easier once I get in the bathroom and shut the door, shut out the whole fucking world. I can't look in the mirror, because I'm afraid of what I'm going to see. I'm not going to like it. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look in the mirror ever again after this. Maybe no one else will be able to see the shame and the badness. Maybe no one else will be able to see that I hurt the person I've loved the most, the person to whom I owe my whole god damn life, but I can see it, and, more importantly, so can Brian.

I turn on the shower and make sure that the water is hot. I want it really hot, scalding. I want it to hurt. I pick up the soap and keep rubbing until my skin is raw, but it doesn't help. I still feel dirty. I don't think that there's enough soap in the world to deal with how dirty I'm feeling right now. I'm beginning to understand how Lady Macbeth felt. I've been holding up pretty well, but now I just lose it. I can't hold everything in anymore. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, and a lump rising in my throat. That does it, and the floodgates open. I don't think that I could stop myself right now. I'm shaking, and I don't think my legs will be able to support me much longer. With my back against the glass wall of the shower, I slide to the ground and pull my knees to my chest. My entire body is wracked with sobs. I desperately want Brian to hold me in his arms. No, I think I need it, but it's not going to happen, not tonight. I wouldn't be surprised if he's gone when I get out of here.

What the hell was I thinking? What the hell am I doing to him, to us? Ever since the first moment I saw him, all I wanted to do was e with him forever. Now I'm ruining that dream after I've come so far. Shit! When he kissed me tonight the world stopped turning. For a few beautiful moments, no one existed but us. When he kissed me I forgot bout anything else. All thoughts of Ethan were miles away. When Brian is like that I can really believe that he loves me. Everyone says that he does, but sometimes I wonder. He has a funny way of showing that. I knew that from the beginning, but I kind of thought that after all we've been through he could at least open up to me. I didn't wonder when he kissed me. Then I could only feel, then I knew. Now I understand why Brian says he doesn't believe in love. It hurts too much.

Oh fuck! I can't think that. If I do I'm screwed. I have to believe in love. I have to believe that things can work out, and if I stop believing then I've already lost. I know that I love Brian, but is it enough? Can love make up for all the shit that the world dishes out? Can it make up for all the horrible things we do to each other? I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. It's not a question of wanting to feel loved and appreciated, it's a necessity. I need to know that I mean something to him. I guess that's why I'm with Ethan right now. He feels the same way. I don't love him, not now anyway, but I could love him. If I knew that I could never get what I need from Brian I could go to him and love him, but it would break my heart, and I could never stop loving Brian. He will always be the first, the first everything, and you never fully get over your first love. I wouldn't want to. I'm scared that pretty soon I'm going to have to make a choice, and I won't know what to do. Either way I'll lose, either way will kill me.

I have to stop this. I have to calm down and pull myself together. I can't stay locked in here forever. When I'm not such a fucking mess, I pull myself up and turn off the shower. That water has gone from scalding to freezing, but I hadn't noticed. I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. Now I have to go back to this game we play where we hide what we're feeling and we don't say what we're thinking. I wonder what's going to happen to us, and I wonder if I'll ever feel clean again.


End file.
